How to support someone experiencing family violence
When someone you care about may be experiencing family violence, knowing what to do can be difficult.
You may feel worried, scared, angry, or helpless. You want to step in, give advice, or tell them exactly what you think they should do.
These reactions often come from a place of concern and care, but supporting someone experiencing abuse is often less about having the right answer and more about being someone they feel safe to talk to. Family Violence Prevention Month is an opportunity to understand how to offer support without judgment or pressure and be there for someone who might really need it.
Start by listening
If someone opens up to you about what is happening in their family or relationship, your first instinct might be to immediately offer advice.
Instead, try to listen and follow their lead.
Someone experiencing abuse might already be questioning their own judgment, since they’re likely dealing with a lot of criticism and controlling behaviours.
Telling them what they "should" do can unintentionally reinforce the feeling that they’re not capable of making their own decisions.
Simply being present, listening to what they have to say, and showing that you take their concerns seriously can be meaningful forms of support.
It’s okay to say that you’re concerned
If you’ve been noticing changes in someone you care about, it can be helpful to let them know you’re concerned about how they’re doing.
This can give them an outside perspective, especially if they’ve already started questioning whether what they’re experiencing is normal or whether they’re overreacting.
Try approaching the conversation with care rather than judgment.
The goal isn’t to convince them of anything, but to let them know that you’ve noticed something concerning and that you’re there if they want support.
Think about when and where you have the conversation
It’s important to consider how to raise your concerns.
Avoid bringing up the conversation in front of the person who uses violence. Doing so could increase the risk for the person you’re trying to support.
Instead, choose a private setting where they can speak more freely, and the conversation is less likely to be overheard by their abuser or anyone else. A conversation like this is delicate and shouldn’t be had publicly.
It can also be important to think about how you share information or resources. If you want to send them counselling information or other support, ask first whether they would like it, and what the safest way would be to share it.
Avoid asking, ‘Why don't you just leave?’
Watching someone remain in a harmful situation can be difficult, especially when you care about their safety and wellbeing.
But comments like "Why don't you leave" or "You need to get out" can sometimes sound like blaming, even when they come from a place of genuine concern.
Someone experiencing abuse is likely already carrying shame, fear, and self-doubt. They might also be taking steps to protect themselves or others that aren’t obvious from the outside.
Rather than focusing on what you think they should be doing differently, recognize what they are already doing to cope, stay safe, and get through the situation.
You can be a safe person without having all the answers
Supporting someone experiencing family violence can bring up a lot of uncertainty. It can be hard to know what to say or what to do to support them.
What you can do is create a space where they’re fully heard and respected.
Support could look like regular check-ins, listening without necessarily offering advice, and reminding them that you’re there to help them access additional support when they’re ready.
Counselling Alberta offers trauma-informed counselling to people across the province, including online services, for people who have experienced abuse and those who are looking for support around family concerns.
Information for this blog was provided by registered social workers, Kyle Ho and Stefan De Villiers. Learn more about our counsellors.